Overcoming Loneliness Part 2-- A Master Class on the Feared Fantasy Technique Featuring Dr. Orly Marmur This is the second of a two-part series on loneliness, featuring the courageous personal work of Dr. Orly Marmur with Drs. David Burns and Jill Levitt as co-therapists. After Orly shared her story, we worked on helping her learn to use the Five Secrets, especially the Disarming Technique and Inquiry, to develop closer relationships with others. Jill described the philosophy of this approach as learning to be ”interested” in others—encouraging them to talk about themselves—rather than trying to be “interesting&quot; or &quot;impressive,&quot; which is usually a losing battle. We also worked with the Feared Fantasy technique to help Orly deal with her fear of rejection. Essentially, we explained that we would enter an Alice-in-Wonderland Nightmare World where there were two weird rules:.  If you think people are judging you or looking down on you, they really are! In this Nightmare World, people are not polite but get right in your face and tell you all the negative thoughts they’re having about you.  We asked Orly to describe the worst criticisms she thought her friends might have about her. Here’s the list:  We’re not really interested in you. You don’t really say or create anything interesting. You are by yourself. We have families. You’re not funny enough. You’re not fun enough. You’re too intellectual. You’re too political. You’re a liability.  Orly bravely took the role of herself to kick things off, and Jill and David played the role of the “friends from hell,” and verbalized these criticisms to Orly. At first Orly struggled to respond effectively to the critical statements. She got stuck defending herself at times, and forgot to express interest in the critic and the specific criticisms. David and Jill modeled more effective responses, using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, including  The Disarming Technique (finding truth in the criticisms), Inquiry (ask for more information with a spirit of curiosity) Thought and Feeling Empathy (acknowledging how the critic was thinking and feeling) “I Feel” Statements (sharing feelings like sadness, shame, and loneliness in an open, respectful way) and Stroking (expressing positive regard for the critic, even in the heat of battle).  Orly did a fantastic job, as you’ll hear on the podcast, and we did some role reversals to refine certain responses. The goal of the Feared Fantasy is not so much to prepare for rejection in the real world, since very few people would ever say these things in such a harsh and open way. The Feared Fantasy “Monster” actually exists primarily in your own mind. But since most of us never think about the thing we fear, we don’t realize or discover that the monster has no teeth. That is to say that by engaging with your greatest interpersonal fears, you discover that if someone were to attack you with over the top vague cr

382: Overcoming Loneliness, Part 2 of 2

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